I snap at Mum and Steve all the time. Straight after which I appologise profusely. My eyes seem to be half shut all day. Before I was pregnant I’d never once had a nap in the afternoon. Now it seems that’s all I’m capable of doing. Napping is my hobby. Don’t depend on me between 2:30 – 5:30pm. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful I’m not throwing up every 5 minutes, and that I even managed to fall pregnant at all. It’s just so rushed.
I know that sounds crazy, we’ve been waiting 5 years. I mean, we expected to see a bean, have plenty of time, do all the right things, read all the right books, record everything I experienced each week in a journal. Instead there was a baby, less than 6 months to prepare for the birth, 4 days to get used to the idea, a week full of tests, paperwork I have no idea how to fill, a scare and hospital visit, house arrest and not to mention the guilt I carry for not even being aware of my baby.
Anyone who knows me knows without a doubt that I’m a worrier, the complete opposite to a carefree gal. As well as napping, worrying has become my pastime, even more so now I have a whole other person who I love so much already to worry about. I’m really glad mum is here as I’m feeling rather isolated. I’m kind of afraid of how I’ll cope when she’s gone. I’ve already managed to make her stay for another week, although it didn’t take much arm twisting.
Blogging seems to be my release and I want to continue to be honest. Even about the stuff you might not want to read. Like bad days. Like today. Where nothing is ‘wrong’ but nothing seems to ‘feel’ right. Steve told me I woke up at 5am crying, mumbling concerns, fears like driving to Penrith alone, wanting c-section, missing my friends, wanting our sex life back (Ob said to abstain due to bleed) and how gassy I am. At first he thought it was cute til he realised I wasn’t awake. Then I kinda scared him and he woke me up. Poor guy.
I don’t want to turn this into a pity party. I’m happy, it’s just all so new and I haven’t had much time to get used to the idea. I know how to be someone that’s TTC but being a pregnant woman is a whole different ball game. I sing and read to Little Mez, Steve kisses my belly and I find myself cradling my belly all the time, anywhere. I long to feel Little Mez move. 15 days until the next ultrasound!
I’ve joined a baby forum filled with other crazy pregnant people due about the same time as me and I have lots of loving friends ready to share wisdom but I guess I have to make my own path. I think blogging will play a huge part. You’re all such wonderful people. Tomorrow I will smile but today I will just be.