But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. I started the week with such good intentions and even though we’re only halfway through the week the idea, the concept has died… after just one post. Maybe the timing was bad and I can revisit the topic. Maybe I need to start blogging during the day so I can take inspirational photos and not at midnight after I’ve: washed a million bottles, emptied the dishwasher and stuffed a gazillion nappies in front of the TV watching other people have lots of sex (Californication) whilst stuffing TimTams in my mouth with my husband snoring, alone, in our big bed. sigh. As you can imagine the inspiration and passion I usually have for my blog has waned this week. Don’t worry, it’s an adjustment period.
Another thing that’s been completely thrown out the window is our new feeding technique for Aidan. The poor little darling was getting confused and it wasn’t working so late at night whilst talking to Steve in bed, I said the words… “I’ll stop breastfeeding“. It hurt to think it, it hurt to say it but as soon as I did I felt release. I’d made a decision. Aidan has slowly changed into the boy I knew he could be if he had a full tummy and a decent nights rest. He laughs so much more now and every time I hear him giggle a little piece of guilt floats away.
I took him to get weighed and he hasn’t put on any weight in 2 months. It took everything I had (and some kind words on the phone with a friend) to not bawl my eyes out in the pharmacy. Expressing hasn’t gone as well either as I’m only getting 60mls a day which is better than nothing but confirmed my thoughts that I wasn’t making enough. The fact that he wasn’t putting on weight and scoffing down solids so early… I’m just glad I’m doing the best I can. What more can I expect from myself?
I seem to have awoken slightly from the “Baby Haze” but my eyes are still a little blurry. I’m trying to refocus on me a little. A friend told me recently to “reevaluate your priorities” when I complained that I couldn’t find time for this and that. So I’m taking a step back and doing just that. I’ve started going out for half an hour on my own to exercise in the evenings. Nothing intense, just a walk or a bike ride, no big deal it just makes me feel good. When Aidan has his morning nap and after I’ve loaded the washing machine I straighten my hair because it makes me feel good. I’ve ordered a tonne of books online and I’m making time to read them because it makes me feel good. I also love to blog so I’m making time to do so and no longer at midnight.
On that note I’m going to bed. I hope that you’ll all forgive me for not being perfect, because I’m trying to.