I was 17 and just graduated high school when I met Steve. He was 23, rebellious and keen to be single. Three months later we knew ‘we’ were forever. During that time I had my first pap smear and it came back as Cin3. I’ve seen more Gyno’s than GP’s. Steve was supportive through it all. When I was 19 we got engaged and started trying for our little family. Every month that passed made me sadder. I was young. Had my Cin3 treatments ruined my chances somehow? I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t falling so easily like my friends. Because of my age GP’s didn’t take my concerns seriously and there was nothing obvious to pin-point a problem. Looking back I was very depressed and I still carry a part of that pain with me.
Steve changed jobs and we moved interstate. I had no friends, no job and no baby. So I sunk all my energy into planning our wedding. It was my therapy, my distraction. I spent the next 18 months binge drinking and talking tulle. Denial is bliss but emotionally unproductive. We were married when I was 21 and it was beautiful. Steve and I filled our ceremony with heartfelt words and lots of kisses. Everybody cried. We’d always been each others family but it felt like a piece was missing. A ring and a piece of paper united us forever that day, but a piece of each of us, bonded into one soul was what would really have made us a family and was all we craved.
Things didn’t get any better once we were married. I fell deeper into myself. Into my feelings and longing. Into jealousy and hurt. Without the wedding to distract me I felt lost. It got to the point where Steve and I had to have a talk about limiting my meltdowns to once a month. I got one free pass a month but the rest of the time I had to suck it up. It was really hard on him having to be so strong for me when he was hurting and longing too. So I took action. I did my research and contacted one of the leading Gyno/Obs and told him my story. He emailed me back within hours saying he was touched and wanted to help.
That man changed our lives forever.
I went on Reductil for a few months to reduce my weight (emotional eater) but got heart palpitations from it and had to stop. I went on Clomid and had more blood taken than I would like to remember. I wasn’t ovulating and he believes I never have. Once we realised the Clomid wasn’t working it was time to do an internal investigation. I was scared and nervous. I knew it had to be done but I was sick of everyone messing about down there. I just wanted my ‘bits ‘to snap out of it and work. I had a laparoscopic surgery when I was 22.
There was so much endometrial tissue that it covered almost everything. Not the worst the doctor had ever seen in his career but definitely for my age. There was no way I would have concieved without the tissue removed. Finally I had the answer. Endometriosis. Finally everything would be ok. Then months later the Gyno said he didn’t understand why I wasn’t falling pregnant and referred us to Sydney IVF. I felt lost all over again and defeated.
We gave up.
We went on holiday.
We fell pregnant.
… cliche much?
I’m glad Aidan was a surprise. After years of temping, charting, blood tests and counting days on the calendar I never thought I’d ever get that joy. But that was just the start of it. Every moment that Aidan’s given us has been joyful. Even on the hard days when he wont sleep or be quiet or he threw up on me for the third time as I tried to leave the house, I had perspective.
A hard day with him is infinitely better than one single day without him.
It’s taken 6 years to meet him and I feel blessed to have him in our lives. Our marriage has changed. No longer are we two individuals who promised ourselves to one another, but we’re parents. A team. The shoulders upon which Aidan stands. We’ve become stronger, more understanding and somehow even more in love. The last 6 years have been a journey I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but the outcome has been worth every bump in the road. I have a husband that loves me and a son who is my universe. I’m one lucky lady.