Lately my feelings have been getting hurt by a number of comments and emails I’ve been receiving. I know it’s part and parcel with sharing most of my life online, I have to develop a thicker skin but I am still quite sensitive to it all despite my best efforts.
My blog is my space to write and share what inspires me, whatever that may be. Over the years my topics of interest has changed, for example:
In 2006 when I started the blog I was 20, just moved to Sydney with Steve who was my fiance at the time and we had no family and friends within a 350km radius. We’d been trying to fall pregnant for a year with no luck. I blogged because I was lonely and wanted to keep in touch with friends. It was also a way for me to share our wedding plans with family and show off all the cool things we bought as we set up house for the first time as a grown up couple.
In 2007 we moved house and got married, worked, travelled and partied a lot. I drank way too much tequila. I experimented with my sexuality. I wrote a lot about my depression, my dreams and my infertility issues. I also got into scrapbooking.
In 2008 we moved house again. The depression got worse but I’d gotten help from a Dr and was finally seeing a great gynecologist who was helping us “find Aidan”. I was on several nasty cocktails of infertility drugs that did horrible things to my hormones and my head and I used my writing to help deal with those issues. Friends intervened when I started buying nursery pieces on ebay and decorating them when I wasn’t even pregnant. I had surgery and found out I had a really bad case of Endometriosis and I wrote about that too. We moved house again, it’s the same one we’re in now. I started working in a fashion store and tried to forget about babies and focus on myself. I applied to Uni (was accepted but pulled out last minute), bought my first DSLR camera and started setting up my photography business.
In 2009 I found out quite by accident that I was 3 months pregnant and had no idea, I’d just felt sick one day and Steve suggested I take a test. The pregnancy was an unexpected delight. I got so caught up in everything “baby” and to be honest I didn’t think of anything else. The person who I was starting to be was put in a box, all business plans were suspended and I rolled about in my bliss like a pig in mud. I was also nervous and on edge that my baby could be taken away from me (by nature and by strangers) and suffered major anxiety. Writing about all the pleasant stuff was a brilliant distraction from over thinking. Aidan was born via C-Section and I felt quite detached and breastfeeding was a mission. It took me 3 months to get it right and my milk dried up a few weeks after that. I felt feel extremely guilty and it didn’t help with the feelings of detachment.
In 2010 as Aidan’s feeding and sleeping patterns changed it was really stressful. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get it “right” and do the “best”, even if that meant running myself into the ground. I was also missing parts of myself, my sex drive is important to me but I’d let it flounder. I felt torn in more directions than I had even been in my life and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Calling my mum and leaning on my mothers group (not to mention timtams) was my comfort. I was so busy figuring out how I was going to cope I didn’t notice Steve was finding it difficult too. His wife was stressed out and vacant, no longer fit for adult conversation. We talked a lot about food and poo but as Aidan grew more independent, so did I. The whole household became happier. I learnt to step back.
Those who have been reading for awhile are probably going “WTF, she never talked about any of that stuff that went on in 2010″ and for the most part you’d be right. I didn’t want to write about it. Who would want to read a post about a pretty nursery and then right underneath it a post about how I don’t think my son loves me. That I’m jealous of the relationship Steve and Aidan have. That I wonder what I could have done with my life if I hadn’t spent the last five years focused on trying to have a baby. All those things you’re not meant to think let alone write about publicly… unless of course you can slip a witty joke in between to keep it light hearted.
Readers are saying they want more posts about Aidan but I’m just not comfortable writing them all the time. When I do activities with Aidan I just like to be in the moment, especially if it’s pleasant and he isn’t smacking me in the head with a toy car or screaming out for his father. Enjoying being together has taken a lot of time for us, something that even now I feel heartbroken to admit. Remembering to leave the room, grab the camera which then Aidan wants to operate, which leads to tears and then trying to recreate the moment even though we’re both now frustrated and uninterested just seems pointless. It’s even worse to then get to the computer, upload the photos knowing full well they don’t capture that first initial special moment and edit them only to write a post without any heart in it because all those feelings that I’m a terrible mother come back up to the surface and I just don’t want to press publish.
After Aidan turned one and could walk, talk and get around on his own life at home has gotten better. I started exercising, I started meeting new people, I started caring about my appearance, I started my business and that person I shoved into the box all those years ago when I became pregnant, started to creep back out. I was starting to feel more like me again, not a poo/puree/nappy-talking, sleep deprived mess. Blogging for City Chic and Nuffnang gave me so much confidence and that’s when I really started to boost my self esteem. I’d never been more confident in my entire life, I felt like the weight on my shoulders was finally lifting.
The more I grew as an adult (I’m 25) with friends who I could depend on, a business to run, skills to build on and a lovely family to cherish I finally felt safe. I had Steve’s full support to chase my own dreams as I had done for him so they became my focus. Expanding my portfolio, both written and photographic is important to me. Delving into opportunities to be involved in fashion and publications, to attend fancy parties and mingle with fancy people. To be definitive and expressive in my art. To push my self imposed boundaries and see what I could do if I really put my mind to it. For the first time in a long time I believe I can do amazing things. I put that down to being comfortable in my own skin and having loving and supportive people behind me, standing with a net, ready to catch me if I fall.
So those are the things I write about at the moment, those things that make up part of my dream. Things that get me excited, that reaffirm my confidence when it’s slightly lacking. Things that aren’t about babies and nappies and reminders of times that really sucked for me “offline”, times when I felt I was a defective mother. It’s only from looking back that I can see where I was. I’m glad I’m in a happier place and doing fun and exciting things. I hope that what has taken me hours to write and explain has made some sense and you now understand why I love my son but just don’t feel like blogging about him all the time.
Aidan is the sun I revolve around… but not all I see.
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
Squishy hugs xx your awesome!
Beautifully written hun – not that you should feel the need to justify yourself to ANYONE! A happy mum leads to a happy family, and why shouldn't we have our own identity. You are doing a fabulous job and I have loved coming on this journey with you over the last few years after stumbling across your Blog over 2 years ago. xxxxx
This – "That I wonder what I could have done with my life if I hadn't spent the last five years focused on trying to have a baby. All those things you're not meant to think let alone write about publicly…"
I TOTALLY relate to
And this – " person I shoved into the box all those years ago when I became pregnant, started to creep back out. I was starting to feel more like me again, not a poo/puree/nappy-talking, MILKING COW sleep deprived mess."
I am at this point now. Wondering were I went….
You have my support.
Well said. I'm a relative newcomer to your blog, so wasn't really aware of all of your history (will go back and read, to learn more about you).
But I resent the implication that we "Mummy/Mommy Bloggers" should be blogging about our children, exclusively or at least a large majority.
My sister went so far as to accuse me of being a terrible mother to one of my children, as I blog more about the other (it's easier to blog about a talking, interactive 7 year old than a non-verbal 2 year old).
Our blogs are our places. Anyone not getting what they think they 'should' be seeing here can move right along.
I am so sorry my comment hurt you :(
It's your blog and your life. I do enjoy the Aidan and everyday posts, but i do read every post.
Good Luck Chasing Your Dreams <3
Of course you are more than a mother. We all are. You are on a mission to make a happy life for yourself and that is evident in your blogging. Being a parent is part of that but not only that.
I've only just found your site but wow, you manage to cram blogging, work, mothering and wife all into one.. amazing!!!
I agree that we are mothers but that isn't all we are.. we still have our dreams… chase them :-) What an awesome role model you are for Aidan
I want to hug the crap out of you right now! Thank you for sharing this with us honey, I admire you 100 times more each and every day.
x
I totaly agree with Teer. I'd be worried if you weren't blogging about all this amazing stuff your doing! Of course Aidan is a huge part of your life, doesn't mean thats all your blog about. xx
Hi sweetheart,
congrats you can be proud of that post.
I'm so very pleased you wrote it.
It's your blog!
mum
I'll read what ever you write about xox
What a beautiful post! I can so relate to alot of what you wrote. Be yourself and do what makes YOU happy!
♥ Love you cyber twin.
As a fairly newcomer to your blog & a non-mum, I love the mix of family, photography, fashion & general Danimezza stuff…,
I bet you never imagined you'd have to justify yourself to your blog followers. Craziness!
I hope this has been a cathartic post for you. It feels good for me when I can order my thoughts like you have.
All the best for your endeavors, and hopefully your relationship with your little guy moves in a direction your happy with as he grows. My husband constantly feels rejected by our kids who are almost solely attached to me. He'd really relate to your story xx
Danielle, I was going to simply comment with "DANIELLE YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION" then I realised that you might think, "I'm just a normal person and I'm not perfect, how could I be an inspiration?" So I'll explain it.
There are so many regular women out there for whom blogging has opened doors to new opportunities and careers. When I read your blog I can tell from your attitude and the words you use that you are real. That you are simply following your dreams and because of that, these doors are opening. Too many blogs I read are written by desperate women begging for followers and writing sponsored posts they don't believe in just to earn a little money and become "known" as a blogger.
You're an inspiration because you have pulled yourself out of depression and are pursuing a life of happiness and self-fulfilment. You're REAL and in the blog world, that's so refreshing. Good luck!
I love reading your blog, whatever you write about. i'm at that plce right now, wondering who the hell I am, especially now my daughter is at school. i'm a bit lost really, and have been out of the workforce for over 5 years now.
You know what ? I think your son is cute and all but part of the reason i enjoy your blog so much Dani is that its a break from all the other " mummy " blogs. I love thats its about you and what you love, and i love that you've created a meme that gives me a creative outlet of my own every week ( beyond what i'm already blogging about ).
Also, remember this – you cant please everyone, all of the time. I say you just keep on keeping on with what you're doing, and the rest of us will come and go as we see fit. Oh – and keep up the good work!
I love this blog, I love what you write.
In the end this blog is about WHO YOU ARE.
Some times I feel I don't write as much, or other times I don't write that much about B.
We all go through fazes if we stayed in the same one people would get bored.
nasty bloggers suck! i love your blog dani, and don't feel like you have to write for others. YOu know it, right what you know and what you want to right.
rock on chic!
I know you. Please do not justify your life to those who do not. You rock. Happy Mummy = Happy family xx
I feel sad that you felt you had to write this, and happy that you shared. Love that last line honey …. well said.
I can't believe you and I are the same age. You are so much more wiser and mature.
It's your blog, you type what you want to type about. It hasn't always been about your son, it's ALWAYS been about you and that's the way it should be.
By the time I first read this blog {late 2010/early 2011?} your current life was beginning to, errr, blossom. I've loved coming along for the ride. to some extent. I enjoy the opportunity to read whatever it is that you want to share with me {us}.
And I LOVE that the words are back. Thanks for sharing this. I'm sure it took something. xoxo
{See that, share whatever honey, I love it here, followed by a BUT yay. I like the words… haha}
As a mummy blogger who writes a lot about her kiddies; I love coming to your blog to read all about the fun, fantastic and inspiring things you are getting up to. Why wouldn't you be sharing these things? Reading your posts motivates me to see myself as something more than a mummy and to step out of my comfort zone.
You rock xo
Aiden is not the reason I read this blog, you are the reason.
You write whatever you want. This is YOUR space xx
As a relative new comer to your blog, I would be surprised to see lots of posts about Aidan.
I can read your sense of achievement and happiness. I agree with Mrs Woog, you need to be happy in yourself to be able to give happily to the kids.
Beautifully said, and more power to you.
I have to say also, you are so blessed to know who you are and to have been able to take out that box and reopen it, to know what you love and what you want.
I'm 34, and my box has been sitting idle for 8 years or so now. I have no idea what is in there, if what was put aside is even interesting to me any more.
I love that you are living your truth online as well as off. I hope when my baby is a little older and I finally dust off my own box that I can do so with as much energy and drive and enthusiasm as you have.
What a courageous post, lovely Dani. You keep blogging just the way you want to because you are one of a kind xx
Blog what you want to blog about. I may not comment often but I love reading everything you write xx
I've only been reading your blog for about a year but I love it.
I love that you chase your dreams. I love that you're real and honest. I love that you're a super Mum who loves her kid. I love the way you write and your photos are amazaballs!
You're doing what you love and what is natural which is why myself and many others check in to your blog everyday.
You inspire me and I hope one day I can get to the point that you are in knowing what I'm doing with my life :)
Thanks for blogging. It brightens my day xoxo
I'm sorry you've been receiving negative feedback from people. I am a relatively new reader and I enjoy your blog. Frankly, I'd be bored if it was just about your son and husband. We are so much more than mums. Good on you for pursuing your dreams. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do, it's your life.
I am surprised you have received any comments about not writing about Aidan. Who the hell thinks they have the right to tell you what to write about. To think that what someone writes is all there is is ridiculous anyway. Of course you have a son. But you don't need to write about him all the time. Being a mum takes up so much of ourselves that it is nice to have a space that isn't all about the baby. For you. big hugs Dani. Keep being awesome. We love you.
Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you lovely.
I think the tone of your blog has changed over the years – posts about a pretty ordinary everyday life to a slicker more commercial blog.
I've commented before that I am not fan of selling stuff on personal blogs but that doesn't stop me from checking a blog. If there is an advertorial on it, I either read it or don't read it!
I'd like to see more about your personal life as that is why I started reading in the first place. Having said that, the internet is a big world and if I don't like what I see here I can always move on!! Perhaps the negative comment writers could do the same!!
Michelle
P.S. I hate that term "mummy blogger" it totally demeans what mothers do everyday and the important role we play.
Thank you for sharing this & being so honest. You are an inspiration to me & while I haven't been reading your blog from the start its interesting to see how similar we are emotionally.
I can understand, just in general blogging, about taking photos for posts. Sometimes, you just want to be in the moment, enjoy it, not have to worry about certain things.
From what I can see on your blog, I think you are a great Mum! No one is perfect & if they say so, they are lying. You talking about this, to me, makes you closer to perfect, because it makes you relatable. Don't ever stop being yourself.
To be honest, as a newcomer to your blog I thought you were a young thing in love with fashion. I love that you're a mum too! Will give us something to talk about at the GC bloggy meet up!
I've just gotten over having my fourth child. The whole process of being pregnant, having a baby then raising an infant can take over your whole personality. I've always tried not to let it define me but when I had my last baby, I was way too tired to care. Nearly 2 years on, I'm getting my groove back on and doing the things that make me happy.
Whatevs my friend! Blog whatever you feel like it. You are just one person and it's impossible to please everyone.
A blog is just a snapshot of life. If you blogged your life you'd have no time for living.
I meant…*whatever you feel like!
Hi Dani! I've been a loyal reader of your blog for quite a while now. I've always thought you were a beautiful and inspirational woman, but until now, it never occurred to me that I should let you know this (I'm not usually the type to comment on blogs).
I think this story is a perfect example of just how truly wondeful and HUMAN you are. Your story sounds very similiar to those who suffer from Postnatal Depression. You should be so proud of yourself for sharing your experiences with all your readers because there are MANY women out there who are suffering in silence every day because of this illness.
They are too embarrassed of what doctors or peers will say if they admit to half the things you have admitted to (feeling distant from their children or thinking they are not doing anything correctly) because they don't realise it isn't their mothering skills in question.
I'm sorry if you think i'm diagnosing you with anything, because I don't mean it that way. I only mean to compare. Either way you are speaking out about issues which can happen to anyone. I'm sure there are women out there who will discover this blog somehow and realise that they are not alone so Thank you for being more than just a fashion and lifestyle blog.
Dani – I never knew that you struggled to have your gorgeous boy, I truly didn't.
You are what you are, you blog about what you blog about – I read because of you, of who you are, not because of who you should be – you'll never fail at anything if you're always true to yourself.
Keep on keeping on just as you are because you rock, just as you are.
~x~
In the box or out of the box….your dad will always love you.
Love ANON heh heh heh xoxo
P.S. no, your mum didn't help me!
Haha I wonder who posted that. I like reading about everything. Mostly. U can just teach aidan how to skype with me instead of randomly calling me … Or how to just txt pictures of himself… Im so excited u cant imagine. Love the bestest sister ever
Dani,
You are completely my hero for being so honest with yourself. Your blog is for you first. All our lives should be a conglomeration of things; some we will choose to talk about on our blogs–others we won't. For whatever reason.
You inspired a post from me which included;
“In another part of my life–blogging Danimezza shares powerfully and intimately the journey she has taken through time, including importantly the stuff we choose not to speak about on our blogs. You go girl! I’m proud to be a lurker on your blog.B logging can be hard if you can’t be (or don’t want to be) classified as a particular “type” of blogger. I’m often just an “other”–a position I’m fairly used to."
take care and thank you.
Joanna
I’ve been reading for over two years and loved reading about all your exciting adventures you have been having… You should never have to justify anything to any of us.