I’m free falling into words. I’m not even looking at the screen, just letting the words tip-type from my fingertips. My head aches and I feel dehydrated and dizzy.
I want to sleep.
It’s been awhile since I’ve cried the way did today. Held in by the pressure of disappointment and the possibility of loss. I gripped so tightly my knuckles turned white and I felt nauseous. Everything in my body was encouraging me to stop. To pause. To breathe. To re-evaluate my goals. I felt lost even as I held on tightly.
I let go and confronted my fears and the possibility of disappointment, the thing I really feared the most. I like to please, it’s a apart of who I am, some value it, some abuse it and the world spins around.
I need a nurofen.
I can’t find peace, not even in silence. My head spins with the responsibilities, sacrifices, adjustments and fears of what might be. I’m typing with my eyes closed and breathing deeply. Trying not to let my brain over think it, not to formulate, not to gauge the possibilities of your interest and balance up it’s worth against it.
My words have value yet they are nothing but pixels on a screen. My photographs are the same. Just tiny little coloured squares joined together in a maze of light to express a point or describe a moment. My blog is made of of little squares and I have too many of them.
They build up higher and higher. I’m in a sea of pixels. They crash into me like waves, a rush and then a calm … and then a rush. Pixels aren’t constant, they’re altered each time. There is no standard. They are unique.
Today I grabbed a big box of pixels and wrapped them up and tied a beautiful bow on top. Yellow silk ribbon in my mind. I wrote a note to my friend “with all my love” and she held it for me gladly. She didn’t have to open it to know it was hers. Suddenly the sea level lowered and I was no longer treading water.
I’m now sorting through the puddles of pixels. Gradually as I jump from one to the other they get smaller and my laugh becomes louder. I’ll be where my true passion lies. I love pixels, I’ll want them around me always but sometimes you can have too much.
Eventually I’ll learn when to say no as to yet again avoid the sea of pixels, those tiny square colours all jumbled up in a maze… after all thats the way it looks when you’re neck deep in them.