Tethered

Aidan started Daycare or “School” as we call it. It’s not the end of the world but I feel nervous due to all the irrational fears swelling around in the pit of my stomach. I wanted him home, to be cared for in his safe place, I place where I wouldn’t have to worry but having a nanny didn’t work out, mostly because it’s extremely expensive so now we’re trying Daycare. He only goes one day a week, giving me a day to write or run errands and giving him a place to make new friends, develop his independence further and get out of the house. It will be good for him. It will be good for me. Well, that’s what I keep telling myself.

As soon as we pulled into the carpark he started squealing “school schooooooool” and rushed into his room, waved hello to the carers and started playing trucks with a little girl. I stood, trembling, in the middle of the room explaining to the room leader how he doesn’t have any known allergies, he needs his “snuggie” for nap time and that he’s just an easy going kid who is all kinds of awesome. What I really wanted to say was “You break him and you die” but I kept it casual, I smiled, kissed Aidan goodbye and left the room but even as I walked away I still felt extremely tethered to him.

I made it half way home before I found the lump in my throat was too much and I started to sob, just little ones but all the same I cried. I was willingly giving our moments to someone else. Moments we could have been sharing together were now theirs, that eats me up more than anything. I keep telling myself it’s just one day, stop being so bloody dramatic but it doesn’t make me feel any better. It was always the plan to put him in after he turned two, it didn’t come as a surprise and everyones completely supportive and in Aidan’s case, excited! So I’ll just try and get some work done and soon enough, time will fly and I’ll go in and see his face light up and the words “Mumma” will fill my heart and his warm little body will fill my arms.

Comments

  1. 1

    says

    I remember that feeling like it was yesterday, and you express it so well. My son is now 16 and spends more time with his friends (a lovely bunch of kids) than with me, but I still feel tethered. Bittersweet.

  2. 3

    says

    I felt that way the first day Flynn went to daycare – especially because he was too busy playing to give me a hug or kiss when i left! But now, almost a year later, i feel 100% fine with it. Flynn goes to family daycare, so i know he’s in a great, safe, environment with only 4 other children and he loooooooves going. He loves his carer and he loves his “kids” and he gets to do all kinds of activities that might not be as fun if it were just me and him.
    Give it some time and i’m sure the Mummy guilt will disappear ( at least a little )….

    • 4

      says

      Thanks Amy, already after picking him up from his first day i’m fine with it. He was so excited when I dropped him off and equally so when I picked him up, he didn’t want to leave. I can’t wait for all the paintings to start coming home with him.

  3. 5

    Hannah Stewart says

    I know that feeling…my baby girl is four months old, and I can hardly bear to leave her with anyone other than her dad, even for ten minutes. I’ve got multiple offers of relief from the “chore” of looking after her, but I don’t really want to take them up on their offer – I don’t think playing games and smiling and cuddling is a chore! It would be nice to have time to do chores and make meals, and maybe have some elusive “me time”, but I’m pretty happy, and she’s happy! I’m sure Aidan won’t be broken by childcare, he seems like a pretty great resilient little boy!

  4. 7

    says

    You express this so well. No matter how much they love daycare, and how well they settle in, it’s always so hard to leave them. My son has been at daycare for two years now, and there are still days when I cry in the car when I leave him.

    I feel so lucky that now I work in the same building as the daycare center, so if I’m having particular trouble detaching that day, I can sneak up to the only window that allows me to look out on them playing in the grass, and just watch him play and laugh and giggle with his friends- and then I can get onto work.

  5. 11

    says

    It’s such an exciting and scary time. Soon you will both be used to it and then start worrying about what the next stage brings.

    That’s the thing about parenting, is that it’s always changing. From subtle little differences to huge, soul fearing challenges. Enjoy them all, they really are what makes up parenting.

    • 12

      says

      “That’s the thing about parenting, is that it’s always changing. From subtle little differences to huge, soul fearing challenges. Enjoy them all, they really are what makes up parenting.” – love this, thank you x

  6. 13

    says

    I haven’t met a Mumma that hasn’t felt exactly as you did…I held my tears only until I turned my back to walk out the door and cried all the way to work. I thought my heart would break in 2 and I felt sick to my stomach. Now, that little man is 4 years old and at pre-school. He is such a social little man and LOVES the time where he can be himself, painting, creating, learning in an environment with other kids. With the littlest man, I have never shed a tear leaving him at daycare. He just goes 2 days a week and he loves it. We put him down at the table with his friends and he waves goodbye…we pick him up and he runs to us so fast his feet can’t keep up with him. He’s always happy and smiling. It really does get easier!

    For today though, my first day on sickleave on a work day and I am home alone whilst one is at school and one is at daycare…I wish that one of them was here to keep me company. :-S

    PS. Your new blog looks GREAT! Well done Dani.

      • 22

        says

        Almost all of whatever you state is suipirspngly precise and that makes me ponder why I had not looked at this with this light before. Your article really did turn the light on for me personally as far as this specific subject matter goes. However at this time there is one issue I am not really too comfortable with and whilst I try to reconcile that with the core theme of the point, allow me observe just what all the rest of your readers have to say.Nicely done.

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