I’m not sure why I let it affect me so much, this feeling of inadequacy, the mistrust in my own decisions and constant fear of social rejection. I know these feelings have been around much longer than my career in social media, so why is it taking me so long to shift my mindset? Surely my teenage years are over and it’s time to become a confident adult… right?
Despite pulling back on social engagements in order to free up more time to writing, creating content and exploring new creative methods, I feel busier than ever. I’m not complaining, I’m proud that the hard work, flying from city to city and long late nights of editing and writing has paid off. It’s made sacrificing the time away from my husband and son just that little bit easier to swallow. I’m proud that Aidan will look back on what I’ve done (in just the last 12 months alone) and know that just by sharing my truths I’ve made a difference, no matter to what scale you chose to measure it by.
The support is there in your comments, in your emails, your shares and your likes. It’s there in black and white, cementing my place in the blogging community and it should be enough to lift me forward and upward. Yet as I sit quietly alone on a flight to Melbourne my mind twitching with the annoying and unrelenting fear that who and what I am isn’t enough. That the value you as readers have placed on me is unreachable, I feel so much less and undeserving, your love and support is humbling.
Everyone has doubts and everyone is searching to find their place in life, I’m no different. Sometimes in the chaos of it all it’s easy to forget why you’re travelling in the direction that you are. I believe you need the bad days to appreciate the good. I wonder what direction my life would be in if I didn’t have to battle my emotions with food as a teen. In a weird way, despite the heartache I’m proud to be here right now, in this moment as I am. That the lost opportunities have a chance to be reignited with a fierce passion and with it an understanding of lessons learnt.
You are my cheerleaders. The surging chant of encouragement, feedback and praise carries me on hard days and keeps me grounded on others. In this job simply writing is not enough, engagement is key and it pulls at the insecurities in my sense of self. I’ve learnt to respond to comments more and analyse stats less. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult. Remembering that a valued and trusted voice is more important than the amount of hits, special invitations or PR contacts. I can tell you this because I’ve been to the dark side and back… I learnt the hard way.
The plane has landed and I can’t help but give a deep sigh of relief. As much as I love what I do, the challenging work, being regarded for my talents, pushing the conventional limits, it will always be you who keeps me grounded no matter how high I fly.