It’s starting to sink in.
On Friday I fly out to New York City.
I can’t breathe.
You know those dreams you have growing up, the grand plans you set out for yourself that you never believed would be achievable… going to NYC is one of mine. To me it’s where you go if you want to prove that you’re a somebody. It’s where you give it your best shot. It’s where the competition is. It’s where glory awaits… but that could just be me.
I dreamed to be a photographer… and I am.
I dreamed to photograph models… and I do.
I dreamed to photograph models in NYC… and I will be.
I dreamed to inspire those around me, to make a difference… and I am.
Things like this don’t happen to you overnight, without imagination, hard work or without the support of those who love you. My husband is my biggest and most supportive fan and it kills me a little inside every time he looks at my suitcase half packed on my studio floor, I know how badly he wants to join me. I keep reminding him that there is the chance to go together in August, we’ll just have to keep working hard and saving hard.
Aidan is going to stay with Grandma and Grandpa for a week and he couldn’t be more excited. He knows I’m going on a plane to New York but he doesn’t really understand. I’ve never been away for more than a week and he’s never been with just Grandma and Grandpa for that long so having no real concept of time might just throw him a little bit. I keep telling myself he’ll be fine, he’ll be fine.
On Tuesday morning our beautiful Labrador x Mastiff “Toby” passed away. He was 8 years old and left us in his sleep. It was sudden, completely unexpected and broke me in half. Toby was our first baby, our first pet, he was how we defined ourselves as a family for years. We had so much love to give whilst we were trying to conceive and we gave it all to him. Our other Labrador “Charlie” is grieving as well, his best mate, his whole world, is gone.
We explained to Aidan that Toby had died, we patted his soft fur, wrapped him in a blanket and said our goodbyes. As Steve drove away to take Toby to the Vet Aidan called out “Bye Toby, have fun at work, have a great day, see you soon!” and I had to explain again that Toby was never coming home. He was sad but didn’t cry. Instead he asked to hug Charlie.
Later that evening when I picked up Aidan from daycare I explained that we had to pick up Dadda from work because of the storm, it was too wet for him to walk home. Aidan said “That’s ok we can pick up Toby too, he’s on a plane.”. I took a deep breath to stop the tears and explained again, that Toby was gone and wasn’t coming home.
As I sat in the car I thought, I’m about to take a trip on a plane and this is the longest and furthest I’ll have ever been apart from Aidan. What if Aidan believe’s I’ve died too because I haven’t come home straight away. What if I did die on the plane? What would Steve do? What if Steve and Aidan died on the drive to Mum and Dad’s? Some drunk driver or tired business woman clears them out on the road. How would I get home? How could I not be there with them? How would I breathe without them?
A permanent lump is in my throat and it wont budge. The “What-if’s” are killing me, eating up my daydreams and turning them into nightmares. I should be bouncing on happy rainbow clouds of awesomeness but instead I feel drained and humbled. There is nothing quite like a swift kick of raw, heart wrenching reality to keep you grounded, to keep you grateful.
I’m grateful for the trust and support my fabulous sponsor TS14+ has given me, for without it I wouldn’t be going to New York to be a VIP member of the “Fashion Front” covering Full Figured Fashion Week™ for 10 nights. They’ve helped cover some of the costs of my flights and accommodation and I’m so thankful. They’re helping me make the most out of this fabulous opportunity and I’m determined to give it my all, take each moment as it comes with no regrets… who knows how many heart soaring moments we get in our lives.
This trip isn’t about shopping sales, cocktails and sequin dresses (well actually that’s part of it) but more about realising my dreams. Showing those in the states my true potential. Making viable connections to bring more options (and discounts or at least fair shipping prices) to Australian consumers. To photograph beautiful women strutting their stuff on the streets of Manhattan, women who aren’t in magazines but deserve to be.
I intended for this post to be light, happy and joyful. To share the news about my awesome sponsor and share how excited I am to be going… and I am, extremely so! I just never imagined including the heavier, deeper and more meaningful thoughts that I’ve been dwelling on. It wasn’t in the plan but I guess that’s what happens when you’re a blogger, 90% of the good stuff is spurred on by a lump in the throat.