The last few months have been the busiest I can remember. At the end of the year I told myself that this year would be simpler, less complicated and I’d stick to my goals, I’d stay focused. This was the year I was going to be strong, surround myself with those who love and truly believe in me. For years it felt like I’d been fumbling around in the dark and then suddenly I’d found my footing and began climbing, reaching, higher.
I think it was a combination of things both personal and professional. Steve and I are good, really good. Aidan is a bright, cheeky, enthusiastic and thoughtful little dude who is becoming more and more independent everyday. This may sound corny but the more he grows and develops, I feel I do too. Kids really do teach you about the world at the moment you’re sure you know it all.
He actively seeks freedom, of expression, of choice. Sometimes he just downright demands it in a tantrum sea of tears and wails. He doesn’t allow himself to pushed into a corner, he values them too much. It’s easier to be submissive, to allow your feelings and dreams to be cast aside to avoid creating waves, but he holds his own to the point now where he actually explains why. He’s empowered me to be the same, to fight for my feelings, my dreams, my choices… even if it sometimes leaves my eyes red and my cheeks blotched with tears.
I was told once, by a friend who’s known and loved me longer than I can remember that “I was a doormat, I allowed myself to be and I was the only one who could change it.” It’s taken almost 27 years and it’s finally sinking in.
In the last two years my confidence has grown (as has my vanity) and I’ve felt brave enough to ask for or put myself in a position to get what I want from life. Sure it’s been easier in the past to cower in the corner and blame the harsh cruel world for all my injustices but now I know the truth and my flame burns brighter for it.