Little Bites

ice

I forgot to set my alarm. I scrunched up my face and buried it back into the pillow. “So much for new years resolutions Danielle, you’ve already failed at your first one. What a great way to start the year… failing.” I can be pretty mean to myself, I don’t need anyone else’s help in that regard. It’s in my mindset, my old mindset, the one I no longer give two shits about. The mindset that enabled me: to be fat, to be lazy, to have frizzy hair, to have hairy legs, to not call my friends, to not own up to my fears.

I’m not cured, that mindset is still there but for the first time I really feel like I’m fighting it.

I swung my feet out of bed, put on my socks and slipped on my pants. It felt weird to be getting dressed this early. I’m the kind of lady that likes to be in her PJs until ten but here I was, putting on activewear. I had all the gear I needed I just lacked the motivation.  I’m not sure where it came from exactly: Tulin with all her strength and will power, quite possibly Nicole and her idea of fitness “me time” and definitely Rhi and her stamina and drive.

This isn’t a weight loss post, far from it. It’s about time, how I use it and figuring out what I really want from the time I have.

My mind has been feeling stagnant, constipated even. You’ve noticed the sponsored posts around here lately, how could you not. They’re easier to write than sharing my feelings. I get a product, I use it, I take photos and then I tell you what I think, there is a formula. There is no formula for feelings, especially not the ones I’ve been dealing with. Who wouldn’t want to be distracted by pretty things, I know I did and I thought you did too but I guess for a few of you I was wrong.

Over the holidays I stepped away from the online world and in doing so I left myself with no distractions which forced me to deal. To talk things out with Steve, with my Mum, with my sister and with my Rhi. I felt better, a weight lifted. I felt I could finally start writing again, really writing. The kind where tears fall on the keyboard and I can’t bear to spell check for fear I’ll delete the whole thing after re-reading it.

I made a promise to myself.

To allow myself space and time to write. Yes I’d still continue blogging about all the pretty things, taking photographs and striving to leave my mark on the fashion industry but I’d no longer allow myself to be a hollow hero. I want you to know more about me than just my average clothes and my ambition. I want to be raw and document more of who I am, as I am, in the moment and not just who I think you want to see. So I set two alarms on my phone, one for 6am and one for 10am. One to run and one to write.

I pop the headphones on that I bought myself for Christmas and head out the door. It’s hot and every fiber of my being wants me to go back inside and plonk my ass on the couch but something new stirs within me. It’s not forceful, arrogant or demeaning, it’s more of a “Let’s get this shit done already” voice. It doesn’t mess around with time and I decide I don’t want to either, not anymore.

I walk and then I run. I’m a size 22, I weight 128 kilos, I’m asthmatic but I didn’t make a big deal, I just got shit done. I wont lie, it felt like I was dying but at the same time it felt good. I’m hoping it feels good every morning because I’m going every day before Steve goes to work. Gone are the days of gym memberships, I’ve tried three times and they just leave me feeling isolated in a crowded place and guilty. Now it’s just me, Charlie, my thoughts and the sound of my own heavy breathing.

It’s what my mind was missing I think, time to itself.

Comments

  1. 1

    says

    What a brilliant post Dani. Good luck to you on your fitness and writing journey. Looking forward to seeing more of YOU here again. The most honest posts are the hardest to write, but damn they’ll make you feel better.

  2. 5

    Emmaonafarm says

    Wow! Best post you’ve written in ages …. I’m so looking forward to all the stuff ahead …. That’s what I read your blog for and it looks like you’re back …. Go you good thing ….

  3. 8

    says

    not all of your posts resonate with me – but this one did. thanks for the virtual kick up the arse and inspiration………both fitness and writing. And also time…..

  4. 10

    says

    Well done! Blogging can be easier to do when you don’t actually personalise your writing, but it’s always so much more rewarding when you do. Keep up the running! I’m going for one this afternoon, and I don’t have any of the proper clothes or whatever, so I’m going to look like a wobbly dag, but I’d rather be out there getting shit done than complaining about my lack of sexy activewear!

  5. 12

    Kirsty says

    So raw it made me cry. Mainly because I can relate on so many levels. No more excuses. Thank you for putting yourself out there Hun.xo

  6. 14

    says

    This is why I read. You. I want to read about YOU. Not pretty things. No matter how pretty they are.

    There comes a point where you say is enough is enough and you finally do something about it – you get shit done but you can’t force that, it will arrive when it’s meant to and when it does you’ll know. It sounds like it’s arrived and you know.

    Welcome back sweetheart, it’s time to shine.

    x

  7. 16

    says

    Hello there,
    New reader and first time comment too!

    Your post resonated with me – I’ve been on a lifestyle kick and it’s not about weight loss (although that’s a benefit) but it’s about taking care of me – which I’m not very good at.

    Like you, I’m unkind to myself. I once had a psychologist say to me (who was very experienced and practicing for YEARS) that she had never met anyone who was as unkind to themselves as I was. I was stunned.

    Outwardly, I’m a very positive person – and certainly I’m always cheering people on and building them up………..but personally? No, I am very dark and glass half empty when it comes to myself. I’ve only realised that recently and it’s not a good place to be. It’s a long practised habit and frankly, I’m only now learning how to change it………….and not always successfully I might add.

    I think the key here is consistency, step by step……….little by little…baby steps. You’ll make it and I hope I do too.

      • 18

        says

        137A person esnletiasly lend a hand to make severely posts I would state. That is the first time I frequented your web page and so far? I amazed with the research you made to create this actual publish extraordinary. Excellent activity!

  8. 19

    says

    Good luck with your newly found fitness motivation. Hope this year is an awesome one for you and your family especially that little boy of yours. Hope to see you around

  9. 20

    says

    I’m not a blogger but I get it. I’m stuck too. My mind is full of plans and ideas but my body remains motionless. I need a new mind set for a new year. Good luck to you!

  10. 21

    says

    It is said that when you clear your mind of nagging thoughts you make space and that space will be used for creativity. Quite often we are locked in a loop hole of thoughts and releasing them through any kind of voice, such as journalling is going to be quite rewarding. We are all vulnerable at some point Dani. Perhaps you will create strength … in numbers. I like it.

  11. 24

    says

    Exercise is the best way I know to show myself just how awesome I am. It is my me time, relaxation time and thinking time all in one. I think you’re going to love your new routine!

    • 26

      says

      Thanks, I thought I had to be more than who I was, I put myself under too much pressure and I shut down. I took my heart out of my business. I’ve learnt my lesson xx

  12. 27

    says

    I’m happy for you about the working out. And I love the thought of more writing, getting to know you.

    But I’m really upset about this post. I’m upset that THEY Managed to make you feel like crap. Furious, in fact.

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