Sometimes I think it would be easier to go with the flow, less stressful and agitating. To follow the norm, avoid strife or conflict and patter away at mundane things. I’m sure if I did I’d live longer, breathe deeper and sleep deeper.
I did so for years, confined to an invisible bubble of self restraint, of toeing the line, of being the good girl, of putting others needs first. It was easier to be agreeable. It was less frightening to be in the shadows hiding from the limelight, afraid of any attention that may highlight my flaws and fragile self esteem.
I sung in school, high and brightly. The choir room, the one place I felt I had a one-up on the rest, where I felt I could expose more of myself. Funny how a timid girl can embrace a microphone so tightly. To belt out the words that are stuck in her throat. To be heard… beautifully. Trembling sweaty hands, bright spotlight, a crowd of blank opinionated faces and my voice.
Writing here still feels that way. Sometimes it’s difficult to step up to the mic and share the real things that make me tick. I’m in that place now, big things are brewing and I’m trying to process. Just know I’m here tapping the mic… testing 1, 2.