For the past two weeks I’ve been struggling with pneumonia and frequent (very scary) asthma attacks, not exactly how I planned to spend the school holidays. I seem to be slowly on the mend and I’ve been keeping my hands busy with embroidery and rolling deep with Netflix.
I’ve had asthma since I was two so as far as I’m concerned it’s always been apart of my life. When I was in primary school I’d get the odd attack, it was usually brought on by over-exertion leaving me the red-faced, blue-lipped kid freaking everyone out at the backyard BBQ party. With time my little blue inhaler and I figured out what my triggers were and my lungs were better for it.
I’ll admit I haven’t paid much attention to my asthma over the past decade or more. Inhalers were only required after the rare bout of running, a rough flu or multiple orgasm but over the last couple of weeks I’ve never treasured a deep breath more. I’ve seen different doctors, been put on meds, tried natural therapies and rested a lot, it seems to be working albeit slowly.
This was meant to be my time, my year. Warming my body in the sunshine, swimming with my boys and having picnics without being held back by all the pain I’ve suffered. Why does it always seem to feel like I have to battle for my health? I’m grateful for so many things but also extremely frustrated.
On a positive note I applied for a local job on a whim and I have an interview. It’s different and I’m kind of excited about it but you know, trying not to get too excited about it. I’ve been offered jobs, some truly amazing jobs but I’ve learnt a few valuable lessons over the past year or so and one of them is to stay close to home, to be present. “Family comes first”, “Bloom where you’re planted” and all that jazz.
Sure I “lost” my reproductive organs last December but by far the biggest change has been my mindset. Maybe turning 30 has had something to do with it as well. I know what I’m willing to bend or break over, where my priorities lie and what I honestly value doing with my time and who I spend it with on a much deeper level.
Looking back I can see so much of what I’ve done is experimentation, figuring out who I am. Some are lucky or smarter and figure it out swiftly but for me, this is my time. It’s oddly calming seeing as I walked away from my business and essentially the community I built around an idea I still feel intensely passionate about. Who does that?
I’ve had many moments where I ponder what the hell I’m doing, many. Some days it feels as though it’s on a constant loop. Feeling lost and found all at once is a weird feeling. I spent so much of my life online that now after switching off I can’t go back to the same pace, it’s too much.
What do you do when the hustle goes dormant? How do you find a new focus when everything is cruise-y and the urge you once felt for something is gone? They say “Do what you love and love what you do” but when you’re ready for change and love so many things (hell you even love trying new things!) how do you narrow it down?
I know in my heart I’m a creative so I’ve been playing with old mediums, revisiting my youth to see if any embers still glow. I haven’t completely given up on photography despite almost selling my camera gear, I just think I need to pick another tool for awhile. I’m still drawn to watercolours, sketching, embroidery, sewing, flowers and even writing, I guess something will come to me in my own time.
I’ve found peace in having an organised, un-cluttered home with soothing oils and the soft glow of my salt lamps. My crystals are a part of my daily life again and I’ve even gone back to reading my cards. A part of me is reliving my youth I guess, a more intuitive time in my life. I’d been so “busy” I guess in some ways I packed my spirituality in a box, slapped a label on that wouldn’t draw much attention to it and let it gather dust. No more.
So this is me, I’ve been floating. Some parts are good and some need attention. Thank you for listening, for still being here for me. For allowing me the time and space I needed for this little blog to become a place to share unapologetically again.