Before I begin I just want to thank you for keeping tabs on me and for taking the time to read, listen and feel this post. I know, it’s been awhile. In fact it’s the longest period I’ve ever gone without posting since I started my blog almost 10 years ago. I just want to take a moment to thank Ella, her comment on my last post in some ways allowed me to step away. I was so touched I cried and I’ll admit I’ve read it more than a few times, so thank you xx
At the end of 2014 I had to practically force myself to step away from it all. I was convinced that if I was unable to maintain the professional standard of my blog that I should just walk away from it entirely. In some ways I was right, by being open it allowed my peers/clients to understand where I was at and everything was tied up nicely in a bow.
Ok, you want the truth right, if I’m completely honest I think in some ways I was preparing for the absolute worst. I was saying goodbye. My surgery, my situation, my headspace, that’s where I was. When I woke up from the anaesthetic the first words I said were “I didn’t die!”. I’m not going to go into it too much here but the whole experience has changed me, for the better.
I stayed home. I created, nurtured, meditated, stretched, loved and listened. As crazy as it sounds 2015 felt like the year where I did absolutely nothing yet I continually found myself beyond exhausted. I was still, the world spinning around me. I unfollowed, switched off and changed gears, it was all making me feel jealous, guilty, sad, enraged and a little bit sick.
I got used to my new pace, shared some stories along the way if I felt a deep inclination but otherwise I kept to myself. I paid attention to the moments I was in rather than documenting and if the urge did come to share it was generally satisfied with a quick post to instagram. It felt good to have the pressure off, to just be.
So why am I here now? Well, when I started writing this post it was the 17th of January and 17 is my favourite and often lucky number. I figured if I was to start writing again that the first 17th of the new year was a good place to start. I’ve gotten this far in so I guess it’s working…
Yesterday I sat at a gorgeously laid table in a fancy frock, surrounded by some of my favourite girlfriends (who I talk to everyday) atop the beautiful Blue Mountains and I felt depressed. Listening to their powerful ambition and their worldly escapades, wondering how someone like me was even at their table.
In my mind I was just the housewife. I wasn’t a blogger if i didn’t blog, a writer if I didn’t write, a photographer if i didn’t take photographs etc. I did nothing for myself and as a result I felt invisible in my own mind. They knew I was always home, generally miserable due to hormones and there’s nothing new or exciting about that.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the day but there was a part of me deep inside that was strumming a blue guitar. It wasn’t until later that afternoon on the car ride home that I realised the last little bit of grief, guilt and frustration lit the flickering embers and I finally decided I was done. I was done allowing myself to feel invisible. I’m burning for a new direction.
I had to remember that without my previous accomplishments these beautiful inspiring women might never have met each other, or I them. Aussie Curves is still thriving in it’s new modern way on instagram and I’m so proud to be it’s founder. I lived and breathed it for years and as much as I support and adore the continually growing community I’m glad I was honest with myself about how much time and headspace I could actually give to it.
As far as fashion challenges go I don’t see myself doing any in the future. I started Aussie Curves as a source of inspiration in a world where Australian plus size fashion was virtually non-existent online. I wanted Aussie and Kiwi curvy ladies to have a voice and to lend a voice to those who were trying to find theirs. Today not only the community but also the industry has exploded and I’m so fucking proud to be a part of that.
I’ll always be about plus size fashion but it’s not the sum of all my parts. It’s not the only thing I want to talk or write about, so it wont be. I’m going old school. I can feel it in my fingers, the urge to click the keys is strong. I know I’ll be back after this for more, it’s good to feel that way, it’s been awhile. I hope you’ll be there when I do.
You’ve been the calm
When I’ve been the storm
And you’ve been the storm
And I’ve weathered you well
We’ve weathered it all.
You’ve see this through to the point of collapse
And I’ve seen you carry this weight on your back
But I could still be an atlas for you
That’s still some big deal
Don’t you think so?